Jinx
by doomweasel
Summary: Kenshin is possessed by a crazy teenaged girl who won't be satisfied until he and Sano get together... wink Rated R for language, yaoi, and general psychosis. R&R if you dare!
1. The first

This is a dumb little story I thought up when I was high offa "Andes Mint Ice Cream." Good stuff - you should try it. Anyway, I was watching "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy" on Cartoon Network, and it was the episode where Billy possesses Mandy and makes her do all that stupid stuff and I thought, "Hey, it would be so fun if _I_ possessed somebody." ...And it went downhill from there. I'd suggest you don't read it because it sucks, but since you've come this far you might as well...  
  
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Jinx  
  
In the Kamiya Dojo, on the outskirts of Tokyo, Kenshin and his friends were partying like there was no tomorrow. Again. Then again, there isn't a whole lot else you can do in nineteenth-century Japan. Who cares if there's nothing to celebrate about? It's the principle! So, like seagulls flocking to a dumpster outside McDonald's, the Kenshin-_gumi_ gathered at the dojo and whooped it up until the _sake_ flowed through the story more freely than bad figures of speech (of which there will be a lot, I can assure you).  
  
Kenshin sat between Kaoru and Sanosuke, resembling an extremely anorexic bull seal with his harem (Ouch, too much Discovery Channel), a near-constant stream of delighted and embarrassed "oro's" leaving his mouth whenever there wasn't rice beer entering it - and sometimes when there was, causing Kenshin to cough and splutter a bit before regaining his composure.  
  
It was several hours into this veritable orgy of mild booze and heartwarming camaraderie when something very peculiar indeed happened to Kenshin. He was laughing at some antic or another of Yahiko's when suddenly he froze, his plum-colored eyes wide in shock, fear, or both and staring into blank space. His whole body began to tremble like an addict who's going into withdrawal, his lips were pulled back a bit in a tense grimace, and he started to froth a bit at the mouth like teenage girls waiting to get Orlando Bloom's autograph.  
  
"Kenshin? _Kenshin!_" Kaoru cried, immediately noticing this not-very-subtle change in the object of her slavish adoration.  
  
"Kenshin, snap out of it!" Sano ordered - as if it would help at all - and slapped the swordsman across the face.  
  
Naturally, this didn't have any effect whatsoever. Instead, the tremors increased in strength until, just as suddenly as it started, the spasm stopped. Kenshin sat up, blinked, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he inexplicably began to start in awe at his hands, turning them over and flexing them experimentally. Finally, he said in a strange, almost effeminate voice, "Aw snaps, no _way!_ I did it!" A very wide, _very_ disturbing grin spread across his face. "Oh man, this is gonna be more fun than a pair of pants full of geckos! With _dynamite!_"  
  
The whole room was silent, as no one was sure what exactly to say in response to Kenshin's apparent sudden loss of sanity. Finally, Yahiko cleared his throat and said, "Uh, Kenshin, are..."  
  
"Hey! _Sushi!_" Kenshin interrupted delightedly and lunged for the rice-covered delicacies, stuffing a few into his mouth.  
  
Kaoru took up the slack. "Are you okay, Kenshin?" she asked timidly, still not sure how to act. "You looked like... like..."  
  
Kenshin held up a hand for her silence and mumbled something around the sushi that was probably meant to be "Hold on a sec" but came out as, "Morr momma shek." He swallowed the raw fish, looked at Kaoru, and said, "You know what I think?"  
  
This wasn't what Kaoru was expecting. "...What?"  
  
"I think that you need to get a life. Seriously. Whenever Kenshin goes somewhere or whatever, you're all like, 'Oh dearie me,'" his voice rose to a mocking falsetto, "'Boohoo, Kenshin's not here. I'm gonna mope around and faint every five minutes and act like an utter _git_.' Christ, woman! Could you get any more pathetic?!"  
  
Tears welled up in Kaoru's eyes as every word opened a new wound in her heart. Her throat tight, she tried to say something in protest but nothing came out, and the end result was her mouth opening and closing like a fish's. Kenshin would have probably ignored her anyway.  
  
"I mean, _seriously_," he continued, "there's more to life than guys - though they are pretty important - and there's other guys than Kenshin - though he is undeniably the sexiest. There's bigger fish in the sea, if you know what I mean. Oh, and your son's a punk."  
  
"Kaoru doesn't have a son!" Yahiko protested, rather stupidly.  
  
"Not yet, she doesn't," corrected Kenshin. "Unfortunately, eventually Kenji's gonna come along. And he's a punk. Fortunately, you show him a thing or two. Way to go Yahiko; you rock!" He flashed the boy a double thumbs-up. "Oh, and your adult voice is extremely sexy. Who woulda thunk it?"  
  
Sano finally decided to cut in and put an end to this cruel yet sadistically satisfying emotional abuse of Kaoru. "What's wrong with you, Kenshin?" he demanded. "What the hell has gotten into you?"  
  
For some reason this seemed incredibly funny to Kenshin, who burst into a fit of hysterical laughter that lasted for several minutes. As he clutched his sides, tears of hilarity streaming down his face, the others looked at each other with confusion. "Oh, forget it," Kenshin said finally, wiping his face and suppressing the remaining giggles, "You'll get it later. Anyway," he continued, crawling on his hands and knees over to Sano, "as for you..." He was too close for comfort now, making Sanosuke recoil protectively. "I think you should fuck Kenshin right now. I know you wanna - it's so obvious that you two have the hots for each other. Besides, you guys make a perfect couple."  
  
Their faces were now inches apart, despite Sano's desperate maneuvering. He looked into Kenshin's half-closed lavender eyes, which stared back unblinkingly like a lemur on morphine. There was something... _not right_ about that gaze. "You're not Kenshin," he said with unwavering conviction.  
  
"Fucking-A, Sherlock. How long did it take you to figure that out?" Kenshin-who-was-not-Kenshin teased lightly. Sano had never been this close to him before, and he could smell his breath; it smelled like seafood. The possessed ex-assassin finally backed off, though by now Sano's face was the color of a freshly cooked lobster and he was praying that nobody was looking at his general groin area.  
  
"Not Kenshin... you mean he was... what, possessed?" Megumi asked Sanosuke, though she was staring intently at the lean red-haired figure as he/she proceeded to perform perfect pirouettes around the room.  
  
"Ding-ding-ding-ding!! Another correct answer!" Kenshin-and-yet-not burst into a fresh bout of giggles. There was something decidedly feminine about the voice. "It's easy! All you do is jump into somebody's head!" He/she squatted in front of Suzume and Ayame, who were cowering in the corner of the room. "Hi. Am I scaring you?"  
  
Terrified as two rodents staring at a decidedly insane feline, the girls could do nothing more than nod there heads ever so slightly.  
  
"Yeah, I tend to do that. And how old are you two anyway? Seriously, I have never been able to figure that out. You're... what? Seven and four?"  
  
Ayame opened her mouth and was about to answer this profound and oft-debated mystery when Kaoru interrupted, "Wait a minute... why would a spirit want to..." she found the word hard to say for some reason, "_possess_ Kenshin?"  
  
The question wasn't directed at him/her, but Kenshin/Not-Kenshin answered anyway. "Because, my eternally sobbing love interest, Kenshin is by far the sexiest of you guys. Plus, since _you're_ hopelessly and pathetically infatuated with him and _Sano's_ positively smitten with Kenshin too - and I don't know _what_ the hell _your_ deal is - " he/she gestured dismissively at Megumi, "Anyway, I figure I'd have the most fun with him. Plus, he's the fucking _Battousai_, for Christ's sake! I mean, can you _get_ any cooler than that?"  
  
Now that Sano had gotten his wits - and other things of his - under control once more, he began to remember something he'd heard somewhere once about spirits and possession. "Hey - spirit or... whatever..."  
  
"'Almighty Divine Goddess' will suffice, thank you."  
  
"Whatever. What's - Hey, where do you think you're going?"  
  
Kenshin-plus-one-other had begun sidling towards the door. "Eh-heh..." He/she tried to smile as innocently as possible, but finally gave up. "Aw, come on," he/she whined, "I'm young, I'm doped up on candy and raw fish, I'm currently residing in a very sexy and very dangerous body; can you imagine all the fun I could - EEEEEK!!!!" Not-Kenshin screeched like a ten-year-old girl and bolted for the door as everyone in the room promptly lunged for him/her. He/she would have escaped, but at the last moment Sanosuke hit him/her with a flying tackle that would bring a tear to the eye of any defensive lineman.  
  
As the two began to tussle on the floor, somehow Kenshin-and-his-unwanted-guest wound up with his/her arms and legs wrapped tightly around Sano like that weird little creature from the movie _Alien_ that grabbed onto that dude's face, only less slimy. "I knew you'd see things my way," he/she tittered and promptly planted a big wet kiss on Sano's lips.  
  
Finally, the others decided to intervene. When it was all over, The-one-formerly-known-as-Kenshin had his/her arms tied behind his/her back with Kaoru's hair ribbon. They hauled him/her into the corner furthest away from the exit and plopped him/her down, on the alert for any sudden movements that might initiate another escape attempt.  
  
"Okay," Sano said once the blood level in his face had finally returned to normal, and he squatted in front of Kenshin-that-was-not. "Let's start again. What's your name?"  
  
The redhead shook his/her head defiantly, saying, "Nope, nope, nope. Not gonna tell."  
  
"Why not?" Kaoru asked, looking very odd without her hair pulled back.  
  
"'Cause I know your little tricks. I got this book on demons and stuff that told me all about it. If I tell you my name, then you'll all be like, 'So-and-So, I order you to leave,' and then I'd _have_ to 'cause you commanded me by name. Plus, if I do tell then anybody who reads this psychotic little story will know who I am, and for all I know they're psychopathic serial killers who'll hunt me down and corner me in a convenient dark alley and beat me to death with a rubber chicken. I dunno about you, but I do not want to die from a rubber chicken."  
  
The non-jinxed people in the room gave each other bemused looks. "All right," Megumi consented. "Could you at least tell us where you came from and why you decided to possess Kenshin?"  
  
Half-Kenshin looked thoughtful. "Let's see, how can I put this in terms you'd understand...? Okay, you know how likely it is for Aoshi to crack a smile? Well, in terms of reality, I live about a _million_ Aoshi-smiles away. Hell, I'm not even animated. And as to _why_, I have a question for _you:_ Why would you drive your Dad's Corvette without permission? _Hello?!_ Joy ride!!"  
  
Sanosuke made a sound of annoyance in his throat and ran his hands through his chickenlike hair. They were going nowhere, _fast_. "Guys, let's regroup." The four friends gathered together in the far corner in a group huddle reminiscent of a loosing football team. "Okay... does anybody have any suggestions?"  
  
Yahiko raised his hand a little bit as though he was in class. "I heard that when someone's possessed with a _kitsune_-spirit you gotta negotiate an offering of food and stuff for it in order to get the spirit to leave. We could try that."  
  
"I caaaannn heeeeaaar yoouuuuu..." The possessed swordsman sang from the other side of the room. They shot dark glances in his/her but otherwise ignored him/her. After a bit, he/she started rocking from side to side, chanting in a loud monotone, "Trog Dor was a man! Then he was... a _dragon-man!_ Then he was... just a dragon... but he was still _TROG DOOOR!!!_" With this last expostulation, Kenshin-but-not tilted too far to one side and fell over like an egg placed on its end, causing a fresh eruption of hysterical giggling.  
  
Sano and the others still ignored him/her, but it was getting harder not to rip him/her a new asshole. The only thing that held them back was the fact that if they tried to do anything to this deranged spirit they'd only hurt Kenshin. "Right," Sanosuke said with clenched teeth, "Do we know an... exorcist or something that can get rid of this thing?" The resulting chorus of shaking heads elicited a stream of profanities from Sanosuke.  
  
Yahiko looked over at where Kenshin-and-also-a-dribbling-lunatic was sitting. "Hey," he called out suddenly, "What do you think your doing?"  
  
The jinxed sword-master was rolling across the floor as a pencil rolls across a desk. As his/her captors moved to stop him/her, he/she sat up with a bit of difficulty (seeing as he/she had no use of his/her hands) and looked at the clock that hung from the wall. "Oh snaps!!" he/she cried in horror. "I'm gonna miss _Robot Wars!!_ And it's the episode with Razor!" He/she looked over at Sano, Megumi, and company. "Screw you guys; I'm _so_ outta here." Kenshin-who-wasn't twitched, jerked, and suddenly fell over as if a string holding him/her up had been cut.  
  
The four rushed over to the redhead's prone form. After a few moments he stirred and opened his amethyst eyes, staring up bewilderedly at his friends. "Please tell me she's gone," he said.  
  
Yahiko was still suspicious. "That's really you, Kenshin, isn't it?"  
  
Kenshin nodded. "Yes, that it is." He tried to sit up, but the silk manacles binding his wrists prevented any such attempts.  
  
Helping his friend up, Sano grinned and said, "Thank god that's over. Do you have any idea what she - it was a she, right? - made you say?"  
  
Bushing a shade of crimson normally reserved for tropical parrots, Kenshin nodded and looked away.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Kenshin," Kaoru reassured him. "We know you didn't really think what you... she... said."  
  
It seemed that all the blood Kenshin had was now circulating through his face. "Uh... yes... I mean - no - uh, of course I didn't... that I did not." No one seemed to notice that he was stammering more than George Bush during a press conference, for which he was eternally grateful. With a deftness that would have put any politician to shame, Kenshin fielded any other questions pertaining to the temporary jinx and returned everyone's attention to the alcohol that until now had been left unattended. In a matter of minutes the merrymaking resumed, albeit with several wary looks in Kenshin's direction. Things had returned to normal at the Kamiya Dojo.  
  
For now.  
  
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Yup. Stupid, pointless, and utterly psychotic. Just like me. ^_^ If you do find it in your heart to review this, please don't tell me that the story is any of the aforementioned adjectives because I already know - I wrote the damn thing, for Christ's sake. Sooo... go... do your thing... or... whatever. 


	2. Encore! Encore!

I honestly wasn't planning on writing a second chapter... but... I decided to anyway...  
  
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Sano liked not working. Especially when he got to watch other people work, because then he could laugh at them and say, "Ha ha! You're working and I'm not!" Actually, he didn't really say that because then Kaoru and Yahiko would hit him with something hard, and he didn't like things that were painful (most of the time). So he just thought it as he sat and watched the others toil like little ants, only a lot bigger and less squish-able.  
  
In fact, Sano not-worked so much that it became a spectator sport (with him being the spectator, of course), and there were some events that were his favorite. His favorite event of all was watching Kenshin hang the laundry on the clothesline, and his favorite vantage point was behind the red-haired swordsman, and his favorite part was when Kenshin bent over. Oh yeah, shake that bad little ass, Kenshin.  
  
He had just finished silently applauding another excellent performance by Kenshin when something quite inexplicable happened. Actually, it was quite inexplicable to _him_, but _we_ know exactly what's going on because we read the previous chapter, we're so smart. Actually, Sano could've probably figured out what was going on if he had a few more brain cells to call his own. Oh well, we love him anyways, right?  
  
But I digress...  
  
Anyway, suddenly Kenshin gasped and staggered forward, his arms reaching out for something to hold on to. However, since there was nothing to grab, he ended up falling faster than a pair of underwear on prom night. He wiggled for a bit, like a frog that's been run over by a lawnmower (that happened to me today), then lay still. Naturally, this bizarre but hilarious routine made Sano more suspicious than an NRA member on a triple-shot of espresso. It had only been a week since "The Incident," as it was referred by, so he immediately suspected that Kenshin had just been mentally hijacked.  
  
Sano quickly looked around for either Kaoru or Yahiko. To his annoyance, they both had decided to disappear at that precise moment, possibly for a quick tryst, the sick little bastards. Looked like he was going to fly solo, as a... emu... flies.... solo... _Damn,_ it's hard to come up with these similes! Anyway, he returned his gaze to Kenshin, who had sat up and was rubbing his head. "Oi, Kenshin... you okay?" he asked cautiously.  
  
Kenshin slowly turned too look at Sano, and a (altogether now) very wide, _very_ disturbing grin spread across his face. A feeling of dread grew in Sano as the grin got wider and wider. He knew that grin, which hovered on the edge of insanity like a little kid teetering on the edge of a diving board but too afraid to jump in. Unlike the metaphorical kid, however, this grin was not at all afraid of the deep end. Sano had prayed that he'd never see that grin again. Literally _prayed_. And he wasn't even religious.  
  
_Fuck_. Sano jumped to his feet, ready to sprint in case Kenshin-_et-al_ made a break for it. His whole body was like a rubber band pulled tight, ready to be shot at the back of an unsuspecting classmate's head. _Okay_, he thought, _where are you going to go? The front gate? Around the dojo? Where?_  
  
Naturally, the jinxed wanderer bolted in the last direction Sano expected - straight at him. With a giddy battle-cry of, "SanoSanoSanoSanoSanoSanoSanoooo!!!" Not-Kenshin leaped at the stunned fighter and in the next instant Sanosuke was on the ground with the redheaded ballistic missile planted firmly on his chest. "Hiya Sano! Didja miss me?!" s/he squealed. "I wanted to find out if you laid Kenshin yet! So didja? Didja didja didja?!"  
  
A little out of breath from having a hundred-odd pounds suddenly added to his chest, Sano could only cough for a bit, but apparently that was enough of an answer.  
  
"Oooh, I'm saaad... No butt-sex for Kenshin, the poor sod." Possessed-Kenshin leaned forward and rested his/her chin on both his/her fists. Naturally, this shift in weight made it even harder for Sano to breathe. "You know, I can hear all of Kenshin's thoughts." S/he tapped the side of his/her head with one finger. "He's got it baaad for you, you know. Seriously. I can't see why you two don't spontaneously make out every time you're alone together - hey!"  
  
Sanosuke suddenly snatched the spiritually shanghaied swordsman's slender wrists and, exerting every iota of strength, wrenched him/her off his chest. After a few moments of scuffling like two grade-school boys fighting over a pack of Poke`mon cards (She-Kenshin even yelled "I want Pikachu!" at one point for no apparent reason), he somehow managed to get the screeching ex-assassin into a headlock. Ignoring the constant kicking, scratching, and cussing spewing from his captive, Sano turned and hollered, "OI!! YAHIKO!! JOU-CHAN!! I COULD USE A LITTLE HELP ABOUT NOW!!"  
  
Like flies drawn to a big pile of fresh cow plop, the two summoned characters appeared. As soon as she saw the two men, Kaoru cried with typical ultra-feminine distress, "Sanosuke! What are you doing to Kenshin?!"  
  
"Not... Kenshin..." Sano grunted, trying his hardest to hold on to him/her, but it was proving to be more difficult than holding a greased-up lemur with its tail on fire. "Dammit, help me! I can't hold him much longer!"  
  
"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT FOOL!! I'M TOO HOT TO HANDLE, WHAT?!!" Kenshin-that-wasn't screamed ghetto-liciously as s/he continued to writhe in Sano's grasp. Yahiko and Kaoru immediately joined in on the effort to subdue the deranged redhead, but instead s/he increased his/her fight tenfold. S/he howled, twisted, and scratched just like a feline at the vet's who has just seen what they use to take pets' temperatures, except this cat was five feet tall and weighed a hundred pounds.  
  
Apparently s/he bit just like a cat too, because suddenly Kaoru yelped and jumped back, saying, "She bit me! That little bitch just bit me!!" while holding out her arm, which was adorned with a perfect half-circle of tooth marks.  
  
To this day it isn't known which surprised the others more - that Kaoru was bitten or (gasp!) she _actually swore_ - but in any case, it provided enough of a distraction for Kenshin-who-wasn't to break away from their grasp and sprint across the yard, leaping nimbly up to the high branches of a tree like a spider monkey on crack. Looking down at the exasperated trio, s/he stuck out his/her tongue, turned around, and smacked his/her butt. "Kiss my ass, yo! Can't touch this! Mwah-hah-hah!" S/he cackled so evilly it would have sent chills down Dracula's spine.  
  
"Shit," Sano cursed, craning his head to look up at his quarry. Now how were they going to get that thing out of Kenshin? Moreover, how were they going to him/her down? Maybe if they tried to tempt him/her with something... "Oi, you..."  
  
"They call me Mister Tibbs!"  
  
"All right, Mister Tibbs - "  
  
"Naw, I'm just joshing ya. Call me Zoot! That's not my real name, by the way, so don't try any of that exorcism shit on me."   
  
"Okay Zoot, tell you what. If you come down, then I'll give you..." Sano trailed off uncertainly. What did deranged spirits want?  
  
"Butt-sex!" Kenshin/Zoot offered.  
  
_"NO!"_ Kaoru denied vehemently.  
  
"Okay," Sano said at the same time.  
  
Kaoru gave Sano a look that said she couldn't quite decide between fainting dead away and ripping him to pieces with her bare hands, but she was clearly leaning strongly towards the dismemberment option. "Sanosuke! What are you _saying?!_"  
  
"Come on, do you think I'm serious?" Sano whispered. "We just need to play along until he... she... whatever comes down." Of course, _we_ know that he was serious, or at least wanted to be serious, but Kaoru didn't know.  
  
Kenshin/Zoot was no longer listening to them. Instead his/her eyes misted over, and s/he stared majestically into space as if s/he could hear the singing of distant Canadian Mounties. "You know," s/he began in a deep, grand voice, "I never wanted to be a wanderer. I always wanted to be......... a _lumberjack!!_" S/he gestured regally, as if revealing vast forests surrounding him/her. "Living in the forests of British Columbia! Leaping from tree to tree! The cedar! The oak! The mighty elm! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing..."  
  
The three relatively normal people stared up in horror at the crazed swordsman. Where the hell did s/he _get_ this stuff?  
  
"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!" Kenshin/Zoot sang. "I sleep all night and I work all day! I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lava-treeee!! On Wednesdays I go - aak!!" S/he dodged just in time to miss getting hit by a well-aimed rock thrown by Yahiko. "You little _wanker!_" S/he shouted as Yahiko stooped to pick up another stone. "You almost hit me!"  
  
"Yeah, that's the idea," Yahiko retorted, and slung another rock at him/her. "Anything to get you to shut up." However, he had made a fatal miscalculation: as luck (or lack thereof) would have it, Kenshin/Zoot was in an oak tree.  
  
Chittering like an enraged squirrel that has just been chased away from a birdfeeder, s/he let loose a vengeful hail of acorns, twigs, and good-sized pieces of bark. Kenshin/Zoot's victims tried to protect themselves from the environmentally friendly (but painful) rain, but eventually they were forced to make an undignified retreat. Unfortunately, s/he was able to throw very far. Finally, his/her aerial assault ceased, and after a minute or two Sano ventured back to the tree.  
  
"Chkkchrrakkrrachkkchakkarrkkchkkrrrchakkk!!!" Kenshin/Zoot chattered angrily in disturbingly accurate imitation of a rabid rodent, though this time there was no volley of half-ripe nuts. Instead, s/he turned and disappeared over the side of the outer wall.  
  
Uttering a stream of oaths, a disturbing number of which involving the word "fuck," Sano bolted for the gate with Kaoru and Yahiko close behind. Unfortunately, the commandeered wanderer was nowhere to be seen. "Okay, split up! Yahiko, you head towards the river; Jou-chan, get Doctor Gensai and Megumi to help; I'll check the forest behind the dojo," Sano ordered with uncharacteristic maturity and level-headedness.  
  
The three split up faster than a disgruntled rock group on _Behind the Music_, each dashing towards their respective targets. Not slowing once, Sano hunted between the trees for several minutes, every fiber of his being intent on finding Kenshin/Zoot before s/he caused any damage. The thought of the deranged swordsman wreaking havoc made Sano shudder; the only thing that could cause more damage that he could possibly think of was a giant mutated lizard with fire breath that rose out of Tokyo Bay and started trashing the entire city. But that wasn't ever going to happen, was it?  
  
He had just come up with a bitchin'-awesome name for this hypothetical behemoth - "Gojira" - when suddenly a chain of events took place that was very similar to a mouse getting caught in a trap; Sano was the mouse, and the red-haired projectile that pounced on him from a tree branch was the metal bar that snaps down and breaks the mouse's back. A snapped spine, however, would have probably been a more merciful fate for Sano because instead Kenshin/Zoot knocked him onto the forest floor and began to smother him in wet kisses like your fat Great-aunt Martha at a family reunion.  
  
Giggling, s/he finally sat up and said, "Ha ha! I found you! I win!"  
  
For a moment Sano forgot that for the second time that day he was flat on his back with someone sitting on his chest. "What are you talking about?" he demanded, indignant. "_I_ was the one looking for _you!_"  
  
Kenshin/Zoot stuck his/her tongue out and blew a raspberry, which somehow ended with him/her licking Sano on the neck. "Details, details! Butt-sex now?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Oooh..." Kenshin/Zoot whined like a sad (and horny) puppy. "Why not? I know you wanna."  
  
Sano struggled to find a legitimate reason. It was like trying to find a good reason to chop off one's own hand and replace it with the hand of a lemur. "Because..."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"_Because._"  
  
"Why?"  
  
Sano could see where this conversation was headed, and he countered with his own question. "Why the hell are you so anxious for me and Kenshin to... do that thing, anyway?"  
  
Kenshin/Zoot sighed heavily, as if s/he was really tired of people asking that question all the time when the answer was so obvious. "_Because_ I'm a perverted little girl with no social life and whose only source of entertainment is fantasizing about her favorite characters having homosexual relationships. _Duh!_"  
  
Sighing as well as he could with someone perched on top of him, Sano rubbed the bridge of his nose with irritation. "Okay. Fine. If I have sex with Kenshin, do you promise to leave us alone and never come back?"  
  
"Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh." Kenshin/Zoot nodded vigorously, a way-too-eager look in his/her grape-colored eyes.   
  
"All right, but there's one condition: you have to go back to wherever the hell you came from before we go at it."  
  
Though s/he may have been utterly insane, Kenshin/Zoot wasn't stupid. "Yeah right! How do I know that you're gonna get up and leave as soon as I'm gone?"  
  
"Uh... Tell you what. If I don't do as I promise, you can come back and... and... and beat me to death with a rubber chicken," Sano conceded, recalling what s/he'd said in the previous chapter.  
  
The thought of death-by-chicken cheered the shanghaied wanderer immensely. "Okie-dokie-pokie-lokie-wokie-wokie-wokie!!!" s/he cheeped. "I'm going bye-bye now!!"  
  
Kenshin gasped, his face contorted into a grimace as a spasm of tremors wracked his body. He doubled over as if having severe gastrointestinal problems, his long red bangs grazing Sano's nose. Suddenly, the spasm stopped, and Kenshin looked up into Sano's double-chocolate-chip-colored eyes.  
  
"You back, friend?" Sano asked.  
  
Kenshin nodded.  
  
"So you gonna get off of me now?"  
  
"Hmm..." Kenshin looked thoughtful. "Hmm... no." He leaned forward and locked lips with Sano, who needless to say was pleasantly shocked to find that he would be fulfilling his part of the bargain in full after all.  
  
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And, somewhere a million Aoshi-smiles away, a teenaged girl was cackling with glee. **cackle**  
  
I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS, DON'T YOU?! Hee hee hee!!! XD XD XD  
  
PS -- If you really _do_ have a fat Great-aunt Martha who dispenses very wet kisses, I am very, truly sorry; you have my deepest sympathy, friend.  
  
And yes, I do know I have a disturbing preoccupation with monkeys, lemurs in particular. There just so fuzzy!! **huggles lemur** 


End file.
